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[Wednesday
November 19th, 2008
2:35pm] |
Every time I close my eyes I see the face. The face of the person who violated me, who took away my privacy, who made me uncomfortable, who took away my ability of a good nights sleep, and who haunts my dreams. When I close my eyes and see his face my stomach turns and my body quivers. I'm filled with frustration and anger with both him and myself. I find it hard to carry on with my normal everyday life, for no matter what I do I am reminded of what happened.
He robbed me of my innocence.
I've always felt as though there was this little boy inside me. Hidden away, only ever to come out in times of joy and happiness. But this weekend I learned that this inner youth comes out in times of fear. I wouldn't think of myself to be caught in stillness or to cower in the presence of a pedophile.
In school, we talk about surprising oneself in how we react. I surprised myself. In a way that I hate.
He made me feel dirty, tainted, stained. I showered and scrubbed where he touched me. I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. But no matter how hard I tried I still felt dirty.
I am filled with a burning hatred that I have never felt before.
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[Tuesday
November 11th, 2008
1:04am] |
So I like weed.
So what?! I'm an actor after all. That doesn't make me a bad person!!
...does it?
haha
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[Wednesday
October 29th, 2008
9:09pm] |
I was in Starbucks about a week ago when I got a cup with an inspirational quote on it. I was meaning to write it down but I forgot and threw my cup away. I was just at starbucks and got the same cup. So I figured I'd post the quote. I think it's good advice to all of us regardless of what we're trying to do.
"The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you're not good enough. On occasion, some may be correct. But do not do their work for them. Seek any job: ask anyone out; pursue any goal. Don't take it personally when they say 'no' - they may not be smart enought to say 'yes."
on another note, it's fucking freezing here!
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| New York Minute |
[Wednesday
October 22nd, 2008
1:46pm] |
There really is such thing as 'New York Minute'. Time here flies by so fast. I would seriously argue that there must be some sort of force over this city that makes time move by faster. Days go by and weeks start and finish so quickly. The thing is, I'm not the only one feeling it. I'm in a city with 8 million other people and we all feel it.
Anyways, I can't believe it's already Mid- October. I mean what happened to September?! and how did October start without me knowing?!
I'm officially in a relationship and it's great. I think I forgot how nice it is to be in a relationship with someone you can actually see. I'm anxious to see where this goes.
So the other day I was in time square. I was walking with a girl named Emily and we were ahead of my boyfriend and Emily's friend. Lyle [my boyfriend] thought it'd be funny to yell "Hey is that Nick Jonas?!" "Nick Jonas!!" He started chasing me so naturally I ran. Before I knew it, Lyle was joined by some gullible tourists that started running after me too.
Now I know how celebrities must feel when crazy fans run after them, it's a bit frightening.
Lastly,
I miss my friends from home. I see your guys' pictures and I have to admit, i miss being in them.
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[Saturday
October 11th, 2008
7:56pm] |
I want an Agent and I want to go out on auditions. I have anxiety because I'm in the middle of so much opportunity but I'm not doing anything about it. I think all of this spurred on me as a result of me meeting someone. Someone who is my age, and is auditioning. Yesterday he had an audition for a short three scene character in Gossip Girl. Regardless of whether or not I think I would get cast, I wish I could've auditioned. I want to get established with an agent and get used to the auditioning realm now so that by the time I'm out of school I can go full throttle and give this industry my all.
Back to the someone that I met. It's been about two months since my last relationship came to an end.
is it too early to start anew?
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[Monday
October 6th, 2008
7:01pm] |
So I thought this was interesting...
The gym I go to is free for me (it's a housing agreement) but costs $1,800 a month for everyone else. Who would pay that?!
...But then I learned that Orlando Bloom and Jennifer Aniston both go to my gym haha They obviously don't mind paying that much a month.
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[Monday
October 6th, 2008
1:53pm] |
Monday morning.
I'm laying on the hard wood floor waiting for Voice and Speech to begin.
My friend Natalie lays beside me "I had way too much sex this weekend."
It really is like sex in the city here haha
except my life is regretfully more like
No sex in the city.
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[Tuesday
September 30th, 2008
10:24pm] |
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So I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm a mix between a Buddhist and a Quaker.
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| wow. |
[Sunday
September 28th, 2008
2:24am] |
What a night.
I got off of work and right when I got home I got a text from Erwan (The really attractive guy from Paris that I've been flirting with for the past month). It was innocent flirting and french lessons for weeks, but man their was a lot of sexual tension.
Last night was his last night before he left so we had planned to do something. We ended up going to a roof top bar near madison square garden. It was a really foggy night so the buildings were all surrounded by fog and we had a cool view of the empire state building.
We met up with Erwan's other friend from Paris and some others (A girl from Taiwan, two guys from Korea, and a girl from the Netherlands).
We drank and had a lot of fun, it was a pretty sweet bar.
Anyways.... to the important part
We got back to my room, my two female friends were making out on my roommates bed and Erwan was laying with me on mine. Our legs were intertwined and we were looking at each other. We talked for awhile. He said he'd probably stay up all night because he still needed to pack his luggage.
Then he said "I'm tired"
"I'm not," I stated.
"You're not tired?" He said.
"I'm too distracted," I said.
"Distracted?" he asked, clearly confused.
"Yeah, when you're attention is being taken by something else," I explained.
"So you're attention was originally on sleeping but what is it on now?" He asked.
I pointed and poked him in the cheek, which was now a few inches from my face. He leaned away and put his had to his forehead and through his hair as if he was thinking. He then looked at his watch for a moment.
"What are you thinking?" I asked.
"I have to pack my luggage before 5. I think we could until then." he mumbled to himself.
"What?" I asked.
"Ah, I can't help it!" He said as he rolled his body on top of mine, his right hand grasped the back of my head as he pulled me towards him. Before I could think about what was happening his lips were touching mine and we were making out. Wow, it was finally happening, I thought. As he laid on top of me I couldn't help but explore the back side of his body. Soon we were doing more than just laying, my hands slipped into the back of his pants as he thrusted into me. So this is how the French do it. It was the most erotic thing I could ever imagine. Here I was, in the heat of the moment with an amazingly attractive guy who happens to be from Paris, has a sexy french accent, is incredibly intelligent, and reads and writes arabic. The situation became hotter and faster. His hands slipped into the back of my pants, our lips still locked. Several minutes passed and before I knew it his hand moved to explore the front of my pants. I couldn't believe what was happening.
Another fifteen minutes passed and he decided it would be a better idea if he left. It was fine, I got more than I had ever hoped for. He got up to leave, walked back to my bed and kissed me again. I walked him down my hallway to my door where he kissed me for the last time and then smiled as he left.
The next morning I awoke to a knock at my door; it was Erwan coming to say goodbye. He hugged me and then departed. The whole situation was like a movie. I don't know if I'll ever see him again. I mean sure, we're planning on iChatting and such but who knows what could happen. I'm thinking a trip to Paris would be fun...
What an experience. Just another night in New York City...
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[Friday
September 12th, 2008
4:38pm] |
So yesterday was a different experience.
September 11 in New York City. I'll admit I was a little nervous. Living here one realizes how incredibly vulnerable this city is. I got on the subway just like any other day. Everything was the same except the people were quiet and the mood was somber.
I walked to school and noticed a fire station with pictures of the firefighters that died 7 years ago. This was the first station on the scene at ground zero. There were people hugging and laying flowers down. I find it extremely surreal that this has happened but at the same time I've found myself feeling the aftermath of September 11 more than I thought I could.
When I got home I walked a block from my building to the Promenade. The beautiful view of Manhattan. There were people everywhere. I noticed the same somber tone and silence here just as I did on the subway. I looked at the freedom lights as they shot endlessly into the sky. Almost as though they were the ghosts of the buildings that once stood. I almost felt angry that I wasn't able to ever see the towers. Every time a plane flew by the lights or near Manhattan I noticed myself getting nervous.
As I watched I imagined what the skyline would look like in four years when the five new towers were finished being built. I also pondered the thought of one having to work in the newly built towers having known what had happened to the others.
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[Monday
September 8th, 2008
12:31am] |
It's only been about two weeks, but I feel like I've been here for months. Somehow I have managed to make close friends already. It's like I've known these people for years. Of course they are nowhere near as awesome as my friends from home..but that's a given.
School is going great. It's intense and they mean business. I'm feeling challenged already. Of course, being challenged is what I wanted and what I expected. I just find this school a bit daunting. I want to do great. I want a 4.0 but as they all say, getting an A in a class is near impossible.
My classmates are all very diverse. I've found myself annoyed with a lot of the people here. A lot are just a bunch of spoiled children who don't fully comprehend the entirety of what they are doing here and what this opportunity really means. People would kill to live in NY even if that meant living in Harlem or the Bronx. But here we are, a bunch of over privileged kids all overflowing with ambition and living in one of the wealthiest parts of the city. Being actors we naturally draw attention to ourselves wherever we go, mostly we get looks of disgust from hard working people. It's interesting, I'm not sure I like it.
I feel like everyday is a fashion show with my peers. I've felt the need to put thought into what I'm wearing even if it's just for a movement class. I've also found myself feeling the need to shop; a desire for more trendy clothes. Oh well. I think I'm doing alright. I've been named the Nick Jonas of school (I didn't tell anyone I liked the jonas brothers...they came up with it on their own). I take it as a compliment.
The Meisner technique is going great. It's all about repetition with partners and letting natural impulses come out, natural emotions, and not censoring oneself. Basically we've all been trained to censor ourselves. We are taught not to say what we are actually thinking because it's what is polite. But as my teacher puts it "Fuck Manners" just let go. Everyone has been struggling with it. My partner and I were being told that we were being "Too careful". So for our last meisner class I told her to just go for it. I was going to let myself be vulnerable. I don't remember quite what happened but it started as calm repetition. A simple "You look nervous" - "I look nervous" -"You look nervous" and so on and somehow I was feeling agitated, I had feelings of anger. The exercise with my partner (which was in front of my section and teacher) had escalated to us screaming at each other. All I remember was my body shaking, my voice shaking, and being out of breath. As my partner and I were both on the verge of tears our teacher stopped us. He silently watched for a moment or two. "Good, very very good" That's what the exercise was about, letting it out. The room was dead silent. I felt sort of embarrassed. I also was still shaking. My classmates told me that it was scary, one said she was about to cry just from watching it. Apparently we were amazing. I hope I continue to have experiences like that.
My love life has gone to shit. Nobody seems to be remotely interested in me. However, I met this really really attractive guy from Paris. He's only going to be here for a month. I'm not sure if he's gay or not but he asked for my number and such. We'll see what happens with that..if anything.
Well I'm off for the night.
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[Sunday
August 31st, 2008
1:15pm] |
it started with New York City
...and it ended with New York City.
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[Wednesday
August 27th, 2008
11:23pm] |
Well I went to Orientation which was awesome.
It consisted of Lectures from the administration including the head of the school who claimed this is the best school for acting. It was a bold statement. But she continued with the blunt truth of the industry and our classes. Favoritism will occur, there will be extreme complication, teachers will push you like you've never been pushed before, you're expected to always be professional (on time, never absent, well mannered, dressed professionally everyday, etc) It was a pretty cool lecture.
I learned my section number. Apparently every year there are two favorite sections. So far I've had people tell me my section is one of the favorites, but we will see tomorrow. There isn't really any way to know for sure, but it's obvious when you see your section mates.
My schedule is awesome
Monday
Voice and Speech 9am-11am
Movement 11:10am-1:10am
Tuesday
Intro to the Cam 9am-12pm
Meisner Technique 3pm-6pm
Wednesday
Actor's Lab 12pm-2pm
Movement 3:40pm- 5:40pm
Voice and Speech 6pm-8pm
Thursday
Meisner Technique 9am-12pm
Improv 3pm-6pm
Friday
Actor's Lab 10am-12pm
I'm stoked for Meisner tomorrow.
Oh and only call or text me late if it's an emergency...I'm three hours later than you guys.
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| The Dorm |
[Tuesday
August 26th, 2008
12:25pm] |
I officially am in my dorm. The cab driver informed us as we arrived that houses in this neighborhood are several million dollars.
I carried my stuff into the building and checked it. Christina Perry who is an RA ran and jumped at me to hug me. It was great! My room is surprisingly really spacious and I love it. I opened my blinds to a view of buildings...great! It came with a fridge and a sweet ass flat screen tv.
When I brought my bags in I went shopping at the Target with the escalator for your cart. It was awesome because my dad bought all my stuff. I was worried I would have to pay and would end up poor.
I've been exploring which is cool. I did get lost with Chelsea and My dad which was expected. Cabs = Your Exodus.
Chelsea and I have been friends for a long time. I'm glad we're going to school together. We're making a video series called "The Heights"....more on that later.
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[Sunday
August 24th, 2008
7:40pm] |
holy shit. That's all I have to say. I'm back in NYC already I am drawn by the fast paced life style. Although I'm still nervous about all living here. It still feels really surreal.
New York has already shown up to it's reputation in having celebrities. Bill Murray was on my dad's plane and my roommate was out and saw America Ferriera walking around. I wonder who I'll see. Daniel Radcliffe perhaps? who knows.
Tomorrow I move into my dorm. It's all so weird.
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[Sunday
August 24th, 2008
6:31am] |
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here I am, the day I've been waiting for. I'm sitting in the Tucson airport just like I imagined I would. It is still so surreal, I look out of the windows and ponder the idea that I will be away from this place, I won't have all of the mountains and the desert landscape to accompany me on my day to day life. I feel as though I'm dreaming but I'm guessing its because I was busy packing and didn't get the chance to sleep at all. I hope I can fall back in love with the city like I did 8 months ago.
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[Thursday
August 21st, 2008
10:23pm] |
I feel different already.
Being in Colorado has prepared me mentally for my move. I'm ready. I'm stoked. Although part of me is wondering if I would like it here. I know deep down I wouldn't but it's nice to be around people who think I'm "awesome." That sounds odd but I've been socializing with a ton of people on campus. Mostly Alexis (RandiJo's roommate and good friend of mine) and I go to social events. I keep getting encouraged to rush by a lot of frat guys, then I tell them I don't go here. I guess it feels nice to not be seen as the homo and an equal to straight guys. I would definitely rush if I went here.
I suppose it's just that I am enjoying meeting new people.
I can't wait until Sunday.
more to come later.
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[Wednesday
August 13th, 2008
7:32pm] |
fucking jap bitch.
crazy night. I think that's going to be my last time drinking for a long long time. Pushing a car and sitting in the hot sun for 20 minutes with a hangover sucks. Just the thought of anything alcoholic makes me nauseous. I'm glad I experienced something this crazy before I move so I'm not as tempted to drink there. I'm also glad I got to share it with those that I did. We all make fools of ourselves, it's just good when you are doing it for your friends who could careless if you're being crazy.
Today is the first day I've also felt a tad bit scared. Moving is daunting.
I hate hate hate hate hate hate packing...it's like a trend in my life.
I've found that Packing = something new and different.
in conclusion, watch out for japanese girls with shot glasses!
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| life in the fast lane. |
[Tuesday
August 12th, 2008
2:33pm] |
Upon pondering my move to the big city and my coming adventures to North Carolina and Colorado I thought that everything would be good and dandy. I thought that once I got on that first plane everything would take off.
I forgot that moving 2500 miles away meant saying goodbye to everyone here, or at least see ya in 5 months. I left these last couple days for packing but haven't had the time because suddenly hanging out with everyone is that much more important. The thought that I won't see some of you guys for a long time is odd. You won't be there the next day at school, or there for a coffee date.
Moving. This is the hard part. I foresaw this to be a struggle for many years. Ever since I was a little child dreaming of going to school away from home. I thought, you just have to get through the moving part. The leaving home and everyone that goes with it. The acclimation to a new way of life, a new land, and new people. It's going to be a short struggle but once you get through it you'll be glad you did it. I thought that such a short jump and temporary awkwardness shouldn't keep someone from doing what they want.
Recently I've heard a lot of the "you're the only one who actually followed through with this moving thing." I kind of feel as though I was standing on the edge of a pool with all of my friends. We all agreed to jump on the count of three. But once one and two had gone and three came, I was the only one who actually jumped while everyone else stood on the edge and watched.
I'm glad. I'm glad I'm leaving. I think by leaving I will be able to actually sustain relationships with people that, had I stayed, would have burned out from exhaustion. I look forward to new growth. New people. New experiences.
When I planned this next month, trip after trip i thought that I would be excited. But for some reason I'm not excited for North Carolina. I'm not sure why. Maybe being apart has made me lose sight of why I was doing this long distance thing. I contemplated not going but I guess my hope is that I rediscover why it is I decided to do this. I think a lot of this could be as a result of my slight obsession with Nick Jonas. As stupid as that sounds. I think I've gotten so into him that I can't be happy unless I'm with him. I think I'll need therapy to fix this. I'm not sure if its that I want to be with him, or if I just want to be with someone like him.
Or perhaps this is just my excuse to want to be on my own. A free spirit. Nothing holding me back. The other night I was talking to Shane and I mentioned some things about Nick Jonas. "Do you like me as much as you like him?" he asked....I didn't know how to answer. I mean sadly, part of me was thinking, "No, no I don't." So after a couple minutes of me thinking I just replied "That's a tough one" and then when he reacted negatively I lied and said I was joking. How is it that someone can like someone they've never met. I mean if I was someone reading this I would think of myself as a creeper or a stalker.
That's just an update on those crazy thoughts bouncing around in my head.
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[Friday
August 8th, 2008
10:30am] |
I can't stop thinking about Nicholas Jerry Jonas.
perfection.
I had a great dream about him last night...:)
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